I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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