If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
