its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
