Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Alive.
So much puke
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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