What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
