Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The ass gains better be worth it
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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