Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
