How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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