so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
