I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
