Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
