did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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