Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
