It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
