Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
