her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
