I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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