All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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