I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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