Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
