He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
