Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
