he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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