im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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