...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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