I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
