i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
