I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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