Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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