Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Two words: blizzard sex
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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