Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
