I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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