I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
