Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
