I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
