Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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