hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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