we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
