Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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