I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Your cock deserves a montage
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
