Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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