dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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