i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
