i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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