When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
3pm strippers are depressing
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
