Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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