please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
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You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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