Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
