It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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