i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
