he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
