Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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