I think i peed on brittanys purse
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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