so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
