i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
